Is it just me, or does it feel like my brain is melting?

30 04 2008

You know, in case you haven’t noticed, I try not to do a whole lot of “serious” blogging. I try to keep things as stupid as possible light and humorous in tone as I know how. This is mainly for selfish reasons–because I’m a depressive and get bummed easily–but also to keep you slavering cocksuckers my readers entertained. It’s not that I don’t care about or discuss serious issues; it’s just that they don’t appeal to me as much as the stupid and strange things in the world.

Having said that, this video is one of the most awesome and powerful things I’ve seen in a very long time. Keep in mind that I’m including both Batman Begins and the video of Danny Bonaduce dropping Johnny Fairplay on his face in that summation.

For those of you too lazy or technologically unequipped to actually watch it, it’s a video of a lecture by neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor as she describes the events that transpired while she suffered a fairly serious stroke. For those of you too stupid to understand the import of that sentence, it’s a video of a lady describing, in lucid detail, the time her brain started bleeding itself out into her fucking skull. That, my friends, is beyond anything you or I could ever imagine.

What’s so amazing is that she was able to function, albeit in a severely limited fashion, enough to be able to call for help. I can barely use the phone when I have a migraine, let alone a full-blown stroke. The level of intelligence she must possess has to be astronomical; during and after a stroke, your overall brain function is considerably diminished, so to function on the level of an average person during one is pretty damned impressive. Besides, how often do neurologists get to observe brain phenomena from a first-person point of view?

Now, the way she describes the discorporated feeling she had is reminiscent of a particularly spectacular psilocybin trip. The perception of increased size, euphoria, motor function distortions, and the feelings of intermingled epiphany and confusion delineate a shockingly accurate recount of one or two fairly heavy psychedelic mushroom frolics I have personally experienced.

This isn’t to say that they’re equable–what with the partial paralysis and pronounced brain hemorrhaging–but it’s still a little disconcerting to see even those few similarities between casual recreational drug trips and a major, potentially deadly neurological event. Contrary to the prevailing opinions of my friends and family, I wouldn’t recommend either to you, my dear readers.

Maybe one day I’ll write about the craziest mushroom trip I ever had to deal with–the climax of which mainly involved driving…on the freeway…at night…in a rainstorm…with all of the damn windows down–but not tonight. For now, I’ll just leave you with that video, and a couple words of wisdom:

Psychedelic mushrooms, for all their demonization by various anti-drug propaganda movements, are capable of rendering a person into a state of unimaginable happiness and cosmic understanding. Moreover, it’s practically impossible to not have a good time, so long as they were all “good” mushrooms, and not the kind that will cause immediate renal failure and eventually an ugly death. If you’re feeling down, or have too many loose threads in your mind that distract you from your God-given right to be happy, take a ride on the mushroom trolley.

Do not, on the other hand, assume that LSD is in any way comparable to psychedelic mushrooms. That kind of thinking can lead to psychosis, suicide, and a pronounced increase in falling out of thirteenth-story windows screaming “I can fuck the sky!”. That’s a pretty stupid thing to do, since you can’t fuck the sky. Even if you could, the ground is a little bit more discriminating in allowing people to fuck it. Generally, when falling from that height, the ground fucks you.

A post closely related to the last post.

26 02 2008

Okay, first off- it’s called ‘coprophila’. We already knew that, but here’s the exact definition:coprophila:

1. Attraction of microorganisms to faecal matter.

2. In psychiatry, a morbid attraction to, and interest in (with a sexual element), faecal matter.

 We’re going to talk about the second one, if you don’t mind. I just had to answer a few of my own questions out of insatiable curiosity, and I felt the unexplainable urge to share my findings with all of you.

I know, you don’t have to thank me.

 It turns out that there is a diet regimen for people who poo on one another. It’s considered impolite to ingest dairy products, greasy or oily meats, grainy breads, or vegetables that are high in certain kinds of acids. Apparently this makes the poo ‘distasteful’.

**edit: If after reading the above paragraph you found yourself picturing horrible things about greasy meat and lumpy whole-grain turds, don’t worry. You’re not alone.**

 As for the whole scheduling thing, it appears that normally (I don’t know why, but that word seems inappropriate) there are pairs of people who get enjoyment out of two different aspects of the pastime. Those who like to poo on people (pretty girls, politicians) end up involved with people who enjoy being shat on (the liberal media, Canadians). As in homosexual couples, there are not usually pairings of two same-type coprophiliacs.

 The real problem is that there aren’t catchy terms for each of these as there are for gay guys (pitcher & catcher, top & bottom, Vin Diesel & Orlando Bloom). So I suggest we make up a few, for the sake of honest research, of course.

 B-52 & The Korean Village

 David Letterman & The Street Below

 The Baker & The Cookie Sheet

 Rubber Stamp & The Official Document

 The Chemical Plant & The Freshwater Lake

 America & The Kansas City Chiefs

 Carlos Mencia & All That’s Holy and Good

 Me & Carlos Mencia

 Okay, I think that’s enough. Anyway, the point is that there are an awful lot of details about poo-eating that we might not know. Even the vast cesspool of the internet failed to answer some of my most pressing questions. Things like:

 Is there a voting system for whose house you go to to shit on people?

 If you eat poop, does it come out somehow ‘poopier’ the next day?

 What if you poop only bluejays and roses?

 As you can see, my investigative skills are at their sharpest at four o’clock in the afternoon. Plus, you’d be surprised at how many coprophiliacs there are out there in various forums who get very angry when you ask them questions like that.

 I guess being shit on all the time takes its toll on your ego.

 Anyway, I got kicked out of three pooping forums for my inquisitiveness. Lousy bastards. All I wanted was some answers, and I got shit on.