Too Hot for Porn: Five Women Who Don’t Have to Go Double-Anal

5 05 2008

Hot women and pornography go together like, um, hot women and completely ignoring guys like me. It’s pretty difficult to find an unattractive chick in today’s dirty movies, unless you still consider Jenna Jameson to be female. There are all kinds of gorgeous gals in skin flicks these days that you’d think there’s some kind of Perfect 10 assembly line out in the San Fernando Valley. Or that maybe Satan is loose on the Earth and is defiling everything we hold dear in life and love.

Either way, the usual suspects in any given porn situation are, at the very least, sevens on the Babe Scale. I mean, some of these girls make anything Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret have to offer look like a baby shower at Luis Guzman’s house.

Having said that, there are a select few porn “actresses” who are so stunning you have to stop and wonder why they’re even in the industry to begin with. Sure, porn pays pretty well if you’re pretty and can’t type, but this is a bit much. Even if every single one of these chicks are in it because they really really like four penes jabbing them repeatedly in every available orifice, there has to be a point where they go “You know what? I’m too goddamned pretty for all this. I’m going to go make Bill Gates lick my dog’s ass.”


Jenna Presley

Now, her Google image results may shock and arouse most of you into painfully stiff convulsions, but if you didn’t know better, what would you say about Miss Presley? That she can take a wrist-thick dong all the way down to the top of her colon? Or that she’s probably a hot librarian’s assistant? Or maybe some really nice lady who teaches blind kids to read, instead of causing teenage kids to go blind?


Lela Star

Now, I’m not going to try and defend this choice and say she’s “too hot” for porn. I know she looks like your average internet yank site model, but there’s just something so wholesome, so open, about her. She certainly doesn’t strike me as a girl who’s had several cubic feet of penis inside her anus.

Teagan Presley

Remember when Britney Spears was the pinnacle of schoolgirl hotness? Well, neither do I. I read something about it five minutes ago, then made the mistake of looking at the above image again. I’ve even forgotten my first name, driver’s license number, and the name of my unborn child.


Ava Rose

If you don’t know who Ava Rose is, you’re among the few (and probably socially equipped and with an active sex life) who don’t. She’s the industry’s hottest rising star, and probably the number one candidate to take Ol’ Leatherface’s place as Queen of the Dicks. She is also, as you can see, incredibly classy looking. I could totally see her starring along side Clark Gable, instead of inside Carmen Luvana.


Jenna Haze

Holy bacon, Batman. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Jenna Haze would give Jesus a hard-on. There is no woman on this planet hotter than Miss Haze. Further, there can’t even be someone equally hot on the planet at the same time as her. It’s mathematically impossible. The world would explode for very mathy reasons that I don’t have the time to explain to you. Just know it.



You might be asking yourself: “why the fuck should I care about these women? I’m glad they’re in porn. The guy who wrote this must be some kinda faggy asshead.” And you may very well be right. On the other hand, if you really think about it, at this rate, every single attractive woman on the planet will one day only touch penes that are ten-plus inches long, and are attached to someone whose name is also in the script.

Not all of us are so freakishly endowed–I am not throwing my hat into that ring with you peanut dicks, by the way–and hardly any of us could successfully maintain a porn career. Those who can, well, why don’t you go fuck something? Or maybe watch Mind of Mencia. For everyone else: caveat emptor.


Thirteen Solid Inches

17 04 2008

Some guys go out of their way to impress the ladies with the size–real or otherwise–of their packages. I’ve heard of all manner of crazy shit–toilet paper, socks, fruits and vegetables, even a wad of penis-shaped duct tape–being stuffed down the trousers of desperate men. Not me, though; I’m in a fully committed relationship (read: I no longer give a shit about random women’s opinions). However, I did inadvertently impress an office full of middle-aged ladies today with what they thought was my hideously engorged Vagina Ruiner 3000.

Sometimes at work I have to go rooting around in dark, cramped places (oh, grow up), and for those times, I need a flashlight. Seriously, stop laughing. Anyway, after I finished searching for some long-lost but expensive material, I went to alert the requestor in his office. Upon my arrival, I found not the man I was looking for, but about a dozen not unattractive older ladies who were watching some sort of Powerpoint presentation. The room was semi-dark, and I had an invoice sheet to leave on the guy’s desk, so I flipped on the light.

As I made my way across the room to the desk, I noticed the simultaneous turning of twelve pre-menopausal heads, all studiously aimed at my “crotchal” region. I laid the invoice on the desk, and turned to leave after bidding everyone farewell and apologizing for the intrusion. My exit-walk was followed with the same unsettling interest.

Out in the hall, I realized that the flashlight in my pocket–a massive MagLite–created the illusion of a monstrous dong snaking down the inside of my leg. My t-shirt covered the exposed lens and attendant tell-tale bulge, so God only knows what those poor ladies were thinking after I left. I have enough problems with women (Fried Chicken Girl, for one) at work, anyway, without having to deal with a gaggle of old crones who think I can prop myself up at a forty-five degree angle without using my hands.

If any of them are reading this–IT WAS ONLY A FLASHLIGHT!

Where I am…

14 03 2008

You all might be wondering why I haven’t updated in over a fucking week. Well, due a set of increasingly ridiculous circumstances, I don’t have power at my house. That isn’t to say that I have no power–since I’ve got Black Power oozing out of the fucking walls–but rather I don’t have electricity. That’s about the stupidest thing that I can imagine happening, and the circumstances are beyond belief. Anyway, for the two or three of you who still read this blog after being abandoned, I’ll be back. I could conceivably let The Girlfriend post, but that probably won’t happen. She’s not going to want to write a bunch of stupid nonsense, unless I pay her a lot of penis dollars. I mean, I can afford it, but I’m trying to save up and buy a motorcycle. A penis motorcycle.Sorry, I’m a little rusty.  

Tactical weapons in your vagina, and other thoughts

4 03 2008

I guess it’s about time I set the record straight: the “most fucked up thing” I’ve ever seen was not goatse, tubgirl, or two girls, one cup. It wasn’t anything on Rotten, or anywhere else on the internet. I won’t even tell you what it is, because, though I don’t know you, I value my readership enough that I don’t want you to claw your own eyes out. Suffice to say that the “most fucked up thing” I’ve ever seen involved muppets, and still bothers me today.

Having said that, here’s this thing:

Yes, it’s the RapeX anti-rape condom. Now, I’m not going to make the obvious “Ouch, my penis!” joke, because I’m above that. What is so disturbing about this thing, aside from the obvious, is that it tells of a desperate necessity for medieval implements in a modern society. That’s sad beyond words.

Also, this particular version isn’t half as scary as the first incarnation, which involved a condom with a touch-sensitive spring-loaded blade mechanism. If you can wrap your head around that, I’ll give you a dollar. A spring-loaded blade. That’s not even medieval–that’s just flat-out lunacy.

Rape is a terrible thing, but if the medical community starts providing little penis guillotines for every woman to wear in her vagina, then a lot of innocent guys are probably just going to give up and defect to the other side. There’s nothing worse than having even your fantasies interrupted by the thought of a penectomy.