Craigslist is the internet’s Babylon

6 06 2008

Lo, Babylon the great has fallen. Where once there was a site dedicated to the free exchange of goods and services, there is now (and probably has been since about five seconds after Craigslist’s launch) a mire of dedicated debauchery. Not only has Craigslist made itself look bad, it’s also done a fine job of fucking up my conception of the town I live in. Go ahead, I dare you. If you’re in a city of any size, chances are your town has a Craigslist section. Look under “Casual Encounters” and tell me if your entire perception just shifted a little bit.

Okay, maybe I’m making too big a deal about this. Maybe all college campuses have glory holes. Maybe there really are legions of post- and preop trannies out there ready and willing to… do whatever it is that they do to whoever answers their posts. God only knows.

 Then again, and not to sound too paranoid, what if it’s the cops? What if all these sad people are just being set up to get fucked in a way that access to Craigslist does not provide? Ouch. The really tragic thing is that it’s fairly probable that that’s the case. What’s even worse is that it’s probably legal now to set up entrapping posts on the internet. Who knows?

Anyway, I may have freaked out a little when I saw that post. I was just trolling through the personals–the women’s were mostly (with a few major exceptions) boring; the men’s, on the other hand, were compelling in the way that Rotten was compelling–when lo and behold…

“An open invitation to an on-campus glory hole! Holy shit, that means that–” 

Then I realized that I actually know very little about glory holes. I get the basic penis-through-the-hole thing, but who decides who does what? It’s supposed to be anonymous, so it’s not like the dudes should talk to each other all that much, right? Then again, I’d hate to be the one guy in the whole place who just stands there for three hours with his dick poking through a roughly drilled hole in the side of a bathroom stall.

That would be embarrassing.

Not to mention that Dammit. I got away from my point here with all this talk about dicks and walls and public indecency laws and shit. The point, ladies and gentlemen, the point is that Craigslist is a dirty place to visit. Never mind the hours of schadenfreude I get from poring over all those sad lonely people’s personal ads. Never mind the possibility that many people have found actual contentment through the personal ads. The point is that some of them make me uncomfortable.

As to why they make me uncomfortable, well…

YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING! 

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAS A VAGINA!

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Something old, but it’s not bad…

28 02 2008

Your Man-Crush on Christian Bale Does Not Mean You’re Gay

Batman!

Look, it’s because he’s Batman. Grow up.

Sure, being completely entranced by another man may seem like it’s chock full of homosexual drama, but does it really signify your latent homosexuality? I kind of always thought that sort of thing manifested itself through other means, like being an enormous asshole, or commenting on Digg articles.

Below, we’ll discuss the main reasons why straight men across the globe are looking inward and questioning everything they thought they knew about themselves as a result of Mr. Bale’s undeniable awesomeness. Before we get to that, let us just say this: no matter how gay you end up being because of Christian Bale, we still love and respect you. But not in a gay way.

1) He’s “sexy”. Of course, at first glance, this line of reasoning might not seem that solid, but if you think about it, you’ll see what we’re driving at. Christian Bale’s massive physique is unquestionably impressive, and women find that sort of thing attractive. To be duly impressed by such physical prowess is not gay in nature, it’s purely aesthetic appreciation and strategic planning. Just because we spend long hours staring at those glorious pecs doesn’t mean we want him; it just means we’re trying to get that image stuck in our minds for when we go to the gym. Yes, we’re going to the gym, but we’re not going to talk to anyone, or even change out of our loose-fitting, unrevealing sweathclothes.

2) He’s committed to his art. Another notch in the belt of things that are impressive about Christian Bale is his utter dedication to his life’s work of acting. For a guy to lose seventy pounds to play a schizophrenic skeleton, and then gain another one hundred of solid muscle to play a manic-depressive crimefighter, well, excuse us if we’re a little bit awed by that. Considering that the prospect of hot women isn’t enough to make most guys trim a measly fifteen pounds after the holidays, the fluctuation of one-hundred-seventy pounds in less than a year for the sheer purpose of acting is something worth admiring in a man. Even by other men.

3) He’s Batman. If you ignore everything else about the guy, keep this fact in mind before you judge us: not only is he Batman-the most acessible superhero ever-he’s also the best Batman ever. Out of the four theatrical Batmen*, the most likely to kick the ever-loving shit out of you, in real life or while dressed in a form-fitted rubber suit, is most certainly Christian Bale. We could understand it being gay if we had a man-crush on George Clooney**, or maybe Val Kilmer, but those guys don’t hold a candle to Bale. Besides, since when is it gay to like rich, handsome men who dress up in black latex and caper around in the night with youthful boys*** in tight spandex?

*Note that anyone who ever had a crush on Michael Keaton, male or female, is probably either blind or criminally insane. The man was Beetlejuice, for God’s sake.

**Note that being madly attracted to George Clooney is a completely normal side-effect of having eyes, or watching Ocean’s Eleven. It might be gay, but it’s kind of unavoidable.

***Okay, we get the whole “he plays with Dick in the middle of the night” joke. We get it. Jesus.

4) Two words: American Psycho. If you haven’t seen it, the whole concept of the movie lies with this guy who runs around killing the shit out of pretty much everything. In the end, we find out that he was imagining the whole thing, but still-he really fucked stuff up. Even if you discount all that because it was imaginary, there’s this: traditionally, the only people attracted to guys who appear to be completely normal, but are in fact raving psychopaths, are women. Yes, we realize that sounds gay, too. But, if you think about it, who’s the nuttiest psycho you can think of that gay men were drawn to? Jeffrey Dahmer? John Wayne Gacy? Come on, those guys aren’t even in the same neighborhood as normal. Finding that sort of dangerous side in a man attractive doesn’t make you gay, it makes you, well… Shit. A potential victim? Hell, we don’t know.