Seven more words you can’t say on television: “Holy shit, George Carlin died last night.”

23 06 2008

So I’m standing at the pump about 7:45 this morning when the clerk at the Yellow Store pokes his head out of the drive-through window. 

“Hey man, did you hear George Carlin died last night?”

“No shit?”

No, as it turns out–no shit at all. He actually died last night, leading speculators to decide that sometimes bad things happen in the public eye that don’t get blown out of proportion. He just died. A little surprising, perhaps, but certainly nothing to fret about. He was old, had lived a “full” life, and had survived a decades-long struggle with controlled substances. It was time for him to go.

Or was it?

I’m going to try to be the first to say that Carlos Mencia murdered George Carlin. It was a deliberate, calculated move, designed to remove one of the few really original comics from the ring of political humor, where Mencia has stationed himself for God knows what reason. You see the plot covers two key aspects, each enough to kill for for Carlos Mencia. (ED NOTE: By the way, I find this paragraph considerably more suspenseful when voiced in the somber tones of Robert Stack.)

One, it eliminates Carlin from the global arena, thereby freeing up a literal fuck-ton of easily stolen and assimilated jokes. Watch as Mencia swells to several times his original size, fed healthily by Carlin’s hard work.

Two, it ensures that George Carlin himself cannot step forward to declaim, or maybe sue, the shit out of Mencia’s plagiarism. The single person with a righteous complaint is now dead, so Carlos can go ahead and steal the jokes he was going to steal anyway, only this time with George Carlin very much a dead person who can’t sue.

I know, it’s complicated.

Anyway, I’m going to make the hesitant assumption that I’m not the first dumbass to think such a thing about the death of George Carlin. Instead, I just want to say thanks, Mr. Carlin, for teaching us what words you can’t say on television, the bulk of which are still prohibited from most kinds of prime-time television. 

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