My Internets is Broke

As some of you may know, I’ve recently begun an exciting career in the wonderful world of internet tech support. Since I’ve long been in the habit of taking down little snippets of retarded conversations – and since those comprise almost the entirety of my workday – I’ve started this page to chronicle the stupidity encountered between the hours of 7 a.m. and 4 p.m.

Eventually, I plan to turn some of these into amusing comic strips. Until then, please enjoy the brilliant dumbness I’ve been recording these past three months.

[NOTE: Instead of simply writing or abbreviating ‘customer’ every time, I’ll use the abbreviation of the customer’s home state. I’ll bet good money you’ll come away with a new appreciation of the sheer diversity of the US.]

Me: Thank you for calling GloboInterTel. This is Kenneth, how may I help you?

AL: I can’t read nothin on my internet page!

Me: Okay ma’am, can you tell me what you see on the screen?

AL: I told you I CAN’T READ NOTH-

Me (interrupting): Yes ma’am, but I need you to describe the screen to me. Is it completely blank?

AL: No, it ain’t blank. There’s all kindsa stuff on it.

Me: All right, do you see any words?

AL: Plenty of ’em.

Me: Ma’am, I’m not sure I understand what’s going on.

AL: Well, I turned the internets on but everything on the screen is in Latino.

Me: Thank you for calling GloboInterTel. This is Kenneth, how may I help you?

WI: My computer’s all retarded.

Me: Um.

WI: It won’t work! I hooked up that damn modem and now my computer’s… it’s… it’s all retarded!

Me: Okay, well what specifically is going on?



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