Dickerson in Love

“What?” I could barely make out her words over the beating of my love-engorged heart.”I said, stop throwing those cats against my goddamned window!”

“Oh, sorry,” I said, dropping a fat tabby to the ground at my feet.

Wait a second. Let me back up a little bit. I’m not very good at telling these kinds of stories, so forgive me if I’m a bit off-topic every now and then. The great and sexy Dickerson Cockley is many things, but a teller of tales is not one of them.

This is the story of the first time I fell in love.

Her name was Esmeralda, and she was beautiful. Well, her name wasn’t really Esmeralda, I just liked to call her that. It was actually Tiffany or something, I think. She hated to be called Esmeralda. Anyway, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Wait, that’s not true. I had seen a more beautiful woman at the state fair one year. And before that, at Denny’s late one night. Okay, so she was the third-most-beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes upon. Come to think of it, she wasn’t even that good looking.

Whatever the case, I loved her. In an emotional way as well as a physical way, although much more often in a physical way. Specifically, a sweaty, grunting, hair-pulling way. And there may have been some crying, although that was mostly me. She was quite fierce in the sack, as I recall. She had this little toy, this little cylinder that said MACE on the side, and she used to playfully spray me in the eyes when I’d show up at her apartment late at night. Of course, that was before I told her husband that she had contracted herpes and syphilis from a night we spent together in a Tijuana brothel.

Boy, was he ever angry!

He took the children and completely shunned her and her family. The laughs we had after that. Well, the laughs I had. She spent most of her time in therapy, telling her doctor how much she hated me and how the police wouldn’t do anything because her husband was one of their coworkers. I had such a fine time harassing her husband with lewd stories of her and the five donkeys!

I know it was cruel, but hey- I was in love.

Anyway, I loved her. Or rather, I liked her a lot. Well, to be honest, I didn’t even like her that much. She was kind of fat, had one of those crooked eyes, and smelled a little funny. Hmm. That’s odd, I thought surely I had been in love. Guess not. Sorry everyone, false alarm.


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