I hope you go blind. Seriously.

18 04 2008

There is a time and place for everything, guys. The Byrds said it much more prettily than that, but the concept is the same: there are appropriate venues for specific actions. Tennis should be played on a tennis court. Crack should be sold in the ‘hood. Anal sex should always be performed–always–in the butt. When one or the other of a proper couple is altered, the universe becomes imbalanced, and has to right itself by giving us television shows like Lost, and by inventing ass cancer.

Having said that, I swear I caught a minion jerking off in the bathroom today.

I won’t go into too many details, because we all know what jerking off is about: not so much the “jerking” as the “off”. Suffice to say that I went searching for one of my wayward minions today, a kid who conveniently wanders off whenever there’s work to be done. After about twenty minutes, I ended up quitting the search on the reasonable, mature, wholly defensible grounds that I had to take a massive dump. By “wholly defensible” I mean that no one in their right mind would ever require me to prove my assertion that I had, in fact, taken a massive dump. However, I digress.

Upon entering the shop bathroom–one toilet stall, one sink, one urinal–I noticed a pair of (safety-write-up-worthy) Nike basketball shoes swinging around haphazardly beneath the door of the toilet stall. The toes were pointed straight out, like someone stretching early in the morning, which is completely understandable; the only problem was, it was almost lunch time.

I didn’t stick around and watch the show, because I would like to achieve at least one more guilt-free erection before I die, and there’s no way I could ever a) get it completely up, and b) have sex with The Girlfriend without the image of a self-abusing minion popping into my head.

Obviously, I didn’t want to call his name or knock. I’m usually pretty polite about things like that–when and if they come up (accidental punnage, sorry)–but remember, I had to unload a book-of-the-month-caliber steamer posthaste, and this little jerk-off (sorry again) was wasting valuable clean pants time. So, before I left the bathroom, I did the only reasonable thing I could think of…

After a stern talking-to from my supervisor’s supervisor, I was compelled to apologize to the man I had terribly embarassed by my insensitivity and lack of couth.

“Sorry, Garrett,” I said sheepishly.

“That’s okay, Kenneth,” Garrett cheerfully replied around a massive lump of chaw in his lip. “I know you weren’t trying to pull nothin’ over on me.”

“Yeah, but you know how it is…”

“Hell,” he retorted gleefully. “If it had been me, I’d have sent Barbara in there after ‘im!”

Yes, Dear Reader, you understood that correctly: “Garrett” is not my minion, but a regular employee who has been with my company for thirty years. He is also a Vietnam veteran, gun enthusiast, and a devout lover of snakes. That last attribute came in handy when I told him that there was a big-ass snake in the men’s room, but I couldn’t figure out whether it was a king snake or a moccassin.

It took maybe ten seconds for the entire event to transpire, but it was worth it, if while viewing only from the sidelines. Garrett had burst into the bathroom with a broom and small wastebasket in hand, and a full-face welding mask on with the tinted lens pulled up. He looked, in short, fucking scary.

Garrett assured me that the scream from the bathroom most likely came from the minion, who may or may not have been actually jacking off. Garrett wasn’t sure, since he was looking at the ground for the snake. The minion was so embarassed, I assume, that he took the rest of the afternoon off, leaving without even getting his paycheck.

All in all, I’d say it was a good ten seconds spent wisely.


News and items of interest

29 02 2008

Chemical Ali to be executed; somewhere, Mineral Mohammed laughs Iraqi gas man’s execution has been approved by Iraqi President Something Al-Unpronounceable. This has led speculators to wonder how the Power and Light company will fare next month.

Isrealis threaten holocaust, and even Hitler’s ghost cringes at the tastelessness Some people just seem to lack the capacity to understand that holocaust jokes are out this season. A Palestinian representative was quoted earlier today as saying, “How many dead babies does it take to fill up a dump truck?”

McCain set to win Ohio. Next stop: Bingo at the KC hall Fashionably elderly presidential candidate John McCain–despite pervasive rumors of being very, very old–nonetheless set his sights on winning over voters in Ohio. An Ohio political organizer was heard to remark, “I love election years. It’s nice to have people realize we still exist.”

In related news, McCain has chosen his new campaign slogan, “Yippee ki-yay, middle-Westerners.” This is in reference to a movie he’s never seen, as it included distateful things like “talking” and “not nearly enough choreographed dance”.

News and items of interest

28 02 2008

Be sure to wipe your feet on the imaginary doormat Looks like construction of the “virtual fence” keeping those dastardly Mexicans out of our country will be delayed another three years, while lawmakers and Mexican immigrants try to figure out exactly what a “virtual” fence is supposed to stop. Apparently the Bush administration has been plagued with technical problems since the day the fence was conceived.

Of course, there’s a good chance that the engineers have managed to get this far by just telling W. to squint really really hard at the place where it’s supposed to be, and that if he believes in it enough, the fence will be there.

Crime considerably lowered in LA; Police blame Grand Theft Auto A gunman opened fire on a crowd of people at a bus stop in South Los Angeles, wounding either seven or eight people, depending on which paper you read. Four are listed in critical condition as of this moment, and the other three or four are probably not newsworthy. This has prompted investigators to wonder why their resident shooters have slacked off recently.

My guess is that it’s the virtual crackdown on crime.

Buckley Jr. defects to the Dead Party Famed conservative idealist and Robert Redford look-alike William F. Buckley Jr. died today. He had diabetes and emphysema, but medical examiners are still not sure what killed him. It may have been an accidental overdose of the prescription sleep-aid It was probably a combination of those two diseases, in concert with his old age and refined grumpiness.

For such a staunch conservative, 82 seems like a pretty strange age to die. He should have hedged his bets and kicked off at 40.

Is Barack Obama the Antichrist?

27 02 2008



Probably not. I’ve heard this argument put up about nearly every single recent political figure, and of that number, Obama ranks probably somewhere in the middle. He’s too likable–and too unliked, oddly–to fit the description. On top of all of that, if he were, I don’t think he’d waste time cat-fighting with Hillary Clinton. He’d probably be more concerned with eating Mitt Romney, or anally corrupting Mike Huckabee.

In these hyper-paranoid “end times” it’s easy for the religious right to point fingers at what they think is the next devil hiding behind the nearest bush. People, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it now: things are way too good for this to be the end of days. According to the bible–the, uh, Christian one–the Apocalypse is going to happen during an era so shitty it will make modern-day Cleveland seem like a mecca with breast-shaped clouds and rainbow-crapping unicorns.

Kids, we ain’t there yet, so just calm down.

I understand the sentiment well enough, I think. It’s tough just standing there, waiting around for someone–especially your savior, if that’s the case–and it gets tougher as the days roll by. All your chortling and prophesying starts looking pretty… Well… Crazy, I guess is the word I’m looking for. Not that it’s crazy to expect some magical man to descend from the heavens with a sword hanging out of his mouth believe in texts written thousands of years ago by people you don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, there: if you believe it, there’s probably nothing crazy about it.

But spending all your time looking skyward counts as, if not exactly crazy, then at least wasteful and irresponsible. On the other hand, accusing every odd-ball politician who comes along as being the Great Deceiver’s #1 Hench-Demon qualifies you as being Grade A Bat-Shit Loco.  

Speaking of which…

There’s nothing I like seeing more than some good old homegrown lunacy. Go run a quick Google search on “Obama Antichrist” and see how many Christian groups are now extolling the wisdom of history’s most famous, and most consistenly incorrect, prophet.

You all know the guy. It’s not Benny Hinn, although that would be pretty funny, too.