Tactical weapons in your vagina, and other thoughts

4 03 2008

I guess it’s about time I set the record straight: the “most fucked up thing” I’ve ever seen was not goatse, tubgirl, or two girls, one cup. It wasn’t anything on Rotten, or anywhere else on the internet. I won’t even tell you what it is, because, though I don’t know you, I value my readership enough that I don’t want you to claw your own eyes out. Suffice to say that the “most fucked up thing” I’ve ever seen involved muppets, and still bothers me today.

Having said that, here’s this thing:

Yes, it’s the RapeX anti-rape condom. Now, I’m not going to make the obvious “Ouch, my penis!” joke, because I’m above that. What is so disturbing about this thing, aside from the obvious, is that it tells of a desperate necessity for medieval implements in a modern society. That’s sad beyond words.

Also, this particular version isn’t half as scary as the first incarnation, which involved a condom with a touch-sensitive spring-loaded blade mechanism. If you can wrap your head around that, I’ll give you a dollar. A spring-loaded blade. That’s not even medieval–that’s just flat-out lunacy.

Rape is a terrible thing, but if the medical community starts providing little penis guillotines for every woman to wear in her vagina, then a lot of innocent guys are probably just going to give up and defect to the other side. There’s nothing worse than having even your fantasies interrupted by the thought of a penectomy.


Well, I guess we could flip a coin.

29 02 2008


Earlier, I was talking to my girlfriend (future co-Schroederist Kelly) about babies, when she happened to bring up the details surrounding her birth. It seems that she wasn’t the easiest child to bear (no, she wasn’t horned or fat), and during her birth, there arose a relatively common but frightful phenomenon. In addition to other issues, she had become entangled in her umbilical cord, and was strangling.

The doctor, a man no doubt renowned for being a total jackass, asked her father, Guillermo*, one of the most obscenely tactless and insensitive questions I’ve ever heard. He said, “If it comes down to it, who would you rather I save?”**

My first thought–unvoiced until now–upon hearing that was, “What the fuck is wrong with that man?” I’m not up-to-date with my physician’s ethics, but I’m pretty sure that falls into the category of “Bedside Manner for Doctors Who Enjoy Being Shot in the Stomach”.

I don’t even understand the mentality behind the asking of such a stupid thing. What are you supposed to say, “Well, Doc, what’s market value on infants these days?” 

To Guillermo’s eternal credit, he responded, “I can’t make that decision.”

Anyway, when Kelly and I have children, whatever complications arise, I hope to never be confronted with a similar situation. I can handle the stress and terror, but I would sincerely hate to go to jail for circumcising a grown man during the birth of my child.

*Guillermo was a Mexican immigrant–also a college student and revolutionary, which is pretty awesome–who then became a Canadian citizen to better ease his American nationalization. Pretty crafty.

**Honestly, I don’t see how there could be an option. It’s not a fucking Lady and the Tiger scenario.