Chinese Democracy: 1 part Velvet Revolver, 4 parts extra-hard suck

25 11 2008

I like to think the steaming new release from Axl “I got punched by Tommy-fucking-Hilfiger” Rose’s play-time version of Guns ‘n Roses was inspired by a crudely scrawled letter from his number one fan. I like to think Axl Rose would also have had someone else read it to him.

Dear Axl,

Hi, my name is Tim and I’m your number one fan! Just the other day I was talking to my buddies about how much we like Velvet Revolver. Dale said something about how your band was looking for a new sound, something other than stereotypical GNR. Then Ed said something about Guns ‘n Roses sucking harder than a drunk Nickelback groupie behind a Texas Denny’s, and I was like yeah–Axl should make his band do a song similar to an already existing but undeniably entertaining band! Like Velvet Revolver, only do it like Scott Weiland got really really fat and lost every bit of appeal anyone ever found in him. Also, have Buckethead make all those doodly-oodly-oo guitar noises all the way through it.

Thanks a lot for all the good music. GNR ROX



After which it was decided to heed this advice, only do everything in a grunge-y, nu-metal way that can’t help but suck even worse. Then they decided to play it incessantly on the radio for weeks and weeks. Guns ‘n Roses sucks.


Anyway, about the writing job thing.

14 11 2008

My anonymous liaison inside the Houston Chronicle’s Entertainment section informs me that the tentative launch date for the core site will be December 11. What that means–besides me being on the very periphery of the whole process–is something will happen related to me writing reviews in exchange for games. My liaison, by the way, is not anonymous. She is very much, um, onymous, in fact. 


Also, there is a “swanky, by-invitation-only” launch party to which I’ve been invited via email. I guess that means I should bring a riot baton just in case some doorman gets testy when I present my crumpled print-out screenshot of the email in my hotmail account. The party will be in Houston, I assume, or out in the tony surrounding areas, which is over two hours away, and virtually inhospitable. Luckily, I may not have to drive the entire time, which is going to be several kinds of awesome.

Future Career Choices for Sarah Palin

8 11 2008

Since helping John McCain shit-bomb this last election, Sarah Palin has severely damaged her political reputation. Where once her peers saw in her vigor and tenacity mixed with mild humility and a sharp mind, they now see the same Sarah Palin as always because I made all of that other stuff up. Simply put, Sarah Plain is nigh unemployable.

Not to worry you or anything, but there’s a fair chance Mrs. Palin is hunting after your job right this very moment. If not for me and my blog, you might well be in the poor house, since I’ve come up with a few prime options Sarah Palin still has in the working professional world.

We’ll start things off with–

TV-show Judge 

Judge Sarah Rulz would be like the prime-time version of Judge Judy, where instead of Judy it’s someone you can look at for extended periods of time. She’s as qualified for this job as any other, plus it would be awesome. She’d be limited to handing out fines not in excess of $5000, too, so her blast radius would be considerably smaller when she inevitably goes into Total Bitch Meltdown after a defendant enters her courtroom wearing a “Fuck Alaska” t-shirt, or something.


Female Superhero

Not necessarily Wonder Woman, but I doubt I’m the only one who digs the idea of Sarah Palin defeating bad guys using the secret ancient powers of BDSM. She could bind them up and ship them off to the Arctic circle, where later she can torture them for information. I’m not too clear on Mrs. Palin’s acting experience, but in this case experience is not really an issue.


Ambassador to Our Merciless Viking Conquerors

Conceivably, there will be brief moments during all the raping and killing when our fearsome Viking overlords might be open to negotiations. This is where Mrs. Palin comes in–clad in furs and slathered in seal fat–to see if this is one of the times when the Vikings talk, or if it’s like all most of the other times when the Vikings just kill.


Default Photo for Craigslist Personal Ads

Cons: will increase exposure to spam and phishing scams; palm-burns

Pros: Some of those ads are pretty filthy; remote chance of screwing someone who looks like Sarah Palin

Seriously, when it’s a fake ad, the photos are bad enough. But the real ones…Jesus. Better it’s sexy Sarah Palin than Marjorie the BBW with a fishnet fetish. I think it would be a step in a positive direction for both sides of creepy craigslist personals, and it would present Palin as a crusader for the largely ignored pervert-stalker demographic.

Oh yeah, I got a writing job.

6 11 2008

I don’t think I’ve bothered to mention this yet, but I recently agreed to author a video game-review blog for a site owned by the Houston Chronicle. I found a link on the PWoT fora, which is now housed snugly within David Wong’s nightmarishly successful step-child, (CAUTION: If you do go to the PWoT fora, don’t join up and be an asshole. Some of the regulars there are the funniest people alive, and they are merciless.)

After sending off an email and waiting for a month, the lady finally replied. Although I was by no means the only applicant, I actually live in Texas, so that made for convenient shipping routes for the free Wii and PS2 games they’re going to send me every month.* So go suck on that, suckas.

It’s unpaid, by the way. Just thought I’d make that perfectly clear. My only recompense will be exposure, I guess. That, and the free new-release video games, which have high resale value, even at GameStop. I’ll be able to tell all the good-hearted hard-luck dames that I work the beat for a daily paper in the big city, and also wear a heavy tan trenchcoat and matching fedora. 


*This entire sentence may be fabricated.

Great, now we can’t all just sit around and complain anymore.

5 11 2008

Bang-up job, fellow Americans. Not only have you elected part of a black man to office, but you’ve done it with style and a surprising grace that is oddly becoming. The only problem now is what we’re supposed to do for the next two months. I propose we all take a vacation somewhere else, and just wait for Bush to pack his stuff and leave. That’s going to be awkward.

We’re at the end of one of the most embarassing and politically damaging presidencies in our entire history and the most anyone can really feel is relief. Bush probably wasn’t as dumb as we thought, but he was certainly a puppet of his father’s cronies. He was put in place because his past painted him to be a person inclined to boldly stupid decisions, and that’s what wass needed to pull off such blatant tomfoolery. It’s an easier pill to swallow than our President being an intelligent, urbane gentleman who picks an oil exec for his VP and still swears the wars he started weren’t about oil. Fewer questions are raised about a person’s ethics and morality when that person is a dunce.

Barack Obama has no such excuses, and our expectations will surely be much higher than his results, but none of that changes what you all accomplished last night. Just keep in mind that things are going to be pretty rough before they get any smoother. Obama’s got a few hills to climb before he’s in a position to change anything, and even then, last night’s Republican popular showing proved that we’re about as divided a nation as we’ve ever been since the Civil War. 

Also, I think last night’s election was, if anything, a message from America to all Black Americans:

“There, now we’re even.”

And now, the letdown.

4 11 2008

Right now it is 9:10 a.m CST, reporting out of San Marcos, TX. The polls close tonight, after which will be chosen our next President. Once the final ballot is counted, the whole world will see whether America still has it in her to change, to evolve and adapt to the environment we must also learn to share with our neighbors. No matter what happens, tomorrow marks a new era in American History.

Of course, I didn’t mention that whatever happens–whever is elected–the only thing any average American citizen can really count on is crushing disappointment. The past eight years–or the Age of Irony–has been nothing but instructional for Americans; watching our fabled American Dream fade without so much as a whimper against the dying of its light has shown us that even cornerstones crumble. I wish Hunter S. Thompson were alive to see this.

I’m not an Obama supporter–a slick businessman-lawyer is not what we need right now–but I think he stands as a near-perfect reflection of the American Dream itself. In a country where less than half a century ago a black man couldn’t be president of a book club, Barack Obama has climbed the mountain of our country’s considerable political and social fears. How he fares today will indicate our level of practical faith in the basic tenets of the American Dream itself. We’ve had long enough to get our act together; one more setback will be the last.

If John McCain wins today, and believe me, he has a damn good chance–keep in mind that Gallup polls don’t count the votes of people living out in the sticks–it will mark the final days of our reign of power on the world’s stage. It will show the rest of the world just how cowardly and unsure we are, and though there will be finger-pointing and accusations thrown, we will all be equally at fault. 

Good luck, guys.