I have smart hands.

26 10 2008

I’m not sure if this is an old, common concept, or something I made up all on my own, but I’ve decided that my hands are geniuses. I may be an idiot sometimes, but my hands are fucking brilliant


Hands to Brain: I said θ = ω0t + ½ αt², asshat.

I discovered this interesting little fact about myself the other day, when playing with one of those little brain-teaser 3D puzzle toys. Like any other puzzle or problem, I first tried to figure it out in my head. My visual imagination is pretty solid, and I can usually (when not drunk) maintain complex images and “drafts” in my head for as long as necessary. This little puzzle, though…Christ. It was like trying to thread a needle with a brick. 

Like this one, but filled with mocking, hateful glee.

Like this one, but filled with mocking, hateful glee.

I struggled with the thing for nearly twenty minutes, jerking and twisting it and generally looking like a crazy idiot while my brain devoured itself trying to run through all the different ways the toy could have been put together. I didn’t see a box anywhere, and apparently it had never been solved since whoever’s mom gave it to them. So it wasn’t just me, is basically what I’m saying. Finally, after thinking I was on the the verge of success–like right fucking there–and getting swiftly socked in the crotch by wicked disappointment, I surrendered. Just gave up and threw the damn thing down on my buddy’s coffee table.

“Fuck you,” I told the gloating toy.  It stared stupidly up at me, saying nothing, needing to say nothing; I knew the score as well as it did. I sat down on the couch, tried to concentrate on the television…

…suddenly the toy sprang open against my palm, and with hardly the slightest effort the rest of it sort of just crumbled apart. Success! Victory! 


Yeah! Fuck that toy!

Yeah! Fuck that toy!


Excuse my abruptness, but that’s really how it happened. I was just sitting there watching televsion–The Daily Show, I think–when the puzzle, which I was not aware I held in my lap, apparently solved itself without any interference from yours truly. Once the first piece was moved, and believe me it was actually as complicated as I imaged, the rest of the puzzle was a cakewalk. 

The best I can figure is that my hands are in fact smarter than my brain at some things. That would explain why I can never teach someone how to play things on the guitar without holding one, why I can guess angles with a pretty fair degree of accuracy, but only if I touch them, and why I learned to tie my shoes only after I learned to stop watching my hands.

I think it’s actually mild dyslexia, but there’s never been a problem keeping math formulas and cooking recipes in order upstairs. Also, I can and have always been able to unhitch a bra-strap in under a second. 

Mad skills.


So I finally got Photoshop

20 10 2008
Id still love the horrible abomination.

I'd still love the horrible abomination.

As you can see, I’m not very good with it.

I’ve wanted this damn program for so long, and I finally got it the other day. Thanks to instructional videos on YouTube and the Jay Pinkerton forum advice threads I’m almost at the “not completely baffled” phase. Which is to say that I can tell when Photoshop is open or not, but honestly little else. I’m still in MS Paint mode.

Also, I should mention that the three-eyed beast is just Salvador, in case you couldn’t tell.

The end is coming

15 10 2008

For reasons unknown to even me–but perhaps because of my intense need to look hideous–I have decided to take part in the manliest charity event ever (except for the one where you nail hot chicks to support health care). An event so manly it requires of its participants a most unshakable loyalty and commitment. I speak, of course, of Movember.

What this means, besides it being the single charitable act I will probably ever perform, is that I will be growing a real, untrimmed mustache on my face for the very first time in my life. Though I have been able to grow facial hair for quite a while thanks to my dad’s German-probably-also-Jewish lineage, I have never grown an honest mustache. I’ve tried, but it’s just too much; all the itching drives me mad by day three.

This time I will not allow my discomfort to halt the potentially life-changing mustache growth. If history is any judge, this mustache could be step one of a world-conquering Master Plan. I just noticed my overuse of the word “mustache” in this post. I apologize.

From: The Economy; Re: Fuck You

13 10 2008


Young Liam expresses annoyance with his deflating portfolio.

Young Liam expresses annoyance with his deflating portfolio.


I’m feeling a little, um, let’s say burdened at the moment. Life as a glamorous jet-setting pizza delivery driver becomes increasingly less like being in circa 1987 Mötley Crüe, and more like being in circa 2008 Guns ‘N Roses as the days pass. The restaurant I work for seems to be weathering whatever storms may come, but the ‘luxury’ of having food delivered seems to have fallen out of favor among the majority of San Marcos’ citizenry. 

Though this crisis is supposedly short-lived and in the process of being “repaired”, I think it will have a bit more powerful effect on our lives than most of us realize. Not to sit here bemoaning my fate, but when I started this job, I was averaging around eighteen dollars an hour, with a base pay of $6.55. Now, with the economy in its current condition, I’m lucky to average nine bucks. Damn near a fifty percent loss, and this is after the mandatory minimum wage hike. 

I know I’m not alone when I say, “Fuck you, 1980s.”

A Flock of Seagulls was evidently not the only shitty thing to happen in the ’80s–there was also this thing called ‘Reaganomics’. A (barely) simplified version of Reagan’s ‘trickle-down’ economic theory is like this: Rich people love to spend money on shit, any shit, and will pay ridiculously high prices for it. When they buy enough of something, the company making it can afford to make it cheaper, and to research the next generaton of said something. Naturally, what the rich had before is no longer ‘top shelf’, and is then made available to the general public at a reduced price and quality. The rich then move on to the next cutting-edge advance in toe-massaging technology, or whatever, and the cycle continues. 

The image of mice scampering after crumbs swept from the tables of lords is an apt one. It encapsulates everything about that economic system that is bad and unfair, which isn’t to say that Reaganomics didn’t work. It did work, which is why we’ve stubbornly held on to it for so long. 

We’re almost out of that phase, I think. Some aspects still linger, like the heirarchy in place at most large corporations, but for the most part the whole set-up is failing. This credit crisis–with the seeds sown thanks to the aid of the Clinton administration–is only the beginning of a major tectonic shift in the way our country’s wealth is distributed and applied.

I can’t say which way it will go, and anyone who claims to have the answer is a lying asshole. This ship may or may not be sinking, but the water is definitely getting choppy. Always keep one eye on the sea.

Flying Fucks, Two Shits, Rat’s Asses, and other things I don’t give about your political views.

12 10 2008

I have this thing about not discussing politics. I know, I discuss politicians all the time, but that’s a little different, at least in my mind. When you discuss the person, you keep things abstract and somewhat detached; when you discuss their beliefs, you ensure things will go tits up in seconds-flat. There isn’t any polite discourse about politics anymore.

I don’t vote for reasons akin to my refusal to discuss policy: I don’t have an opinion to share or a complaint to voice that will be aided in any way by my casting a vote for some asshole, or telling some other asshole who I want to vote for, if anyone. I’m not on one side of the fence, nor on it. I have my own system of beliefs that don’t fit any mold precisely. That’s true for a good many people, I guess. 

All that being said, it surprises me how many Obama supporters act precisely like the McCain Mob, those Republican fanatics so universally and vehemently dispised by Democrats. Everyone’s so defensive and paranoid these days, you’d think George Orwell had written the story of our lives. Ask any single person on the street who they support and why, and they’ll instantly assume you’re for the other side. No, seriously–go try it.

I’ll wait.

Back already, eh? And how was it? Like being assaulted with picketing signs, only the signs were shovels and were on fire? That sounds like modern, enlightened political discussion to me!

I’m not voting this season, or in any other, until the system retreats from its current “Lesser Evil” format. I don’t like Obama, and I wouldn’t trust McCain to tell me the time of day. Anyone else is a wasted vote. There’s just no reason to vote this year. I’m trying to avoid watching political television, too, but it isn’t easy. My sick desire to see something terrible happen keeps me tuned in all the time.

That’s true for a lot of people, too.

Almost 1,000,000 words, about half of which are worth saying.

9 10 2008

You may have heard the news that the English language is set to acquire its millionth word sometime early next year. At that point, Edgar Allen Poe’s 50,000-word vocabulary will seem considerably less impressive, and no one you ever speak to will be able to honestly say “I am completely fluent in English.”

You have to wonder how much padding was added to the list to get this high. Right now the count stands at 995,844, with the most recent addition being “e-Vampire”. See? E-Vampire? If “douchenozzle” is on there, I’m going to go learn Mandarin. 

I wish someone had been simply making a list of words all along. Not any categorized collection or cross-referenced tome, but an actual numbered list of unique words–and maybe a sentence or two for reference’s sake. It would be worth noting if “cock” was in fact first used for a rooster or a penis. 

This is the last great milestone any of us can really expect to see, as far as the growth of our language is concerned. There will be other milestones, obviously. but most of them will be along the lines of “English is stupid; let’s all learn Swahili.”

What sort of stupidity brings YOU here? (part two)

5 10 2008
jenna haze double
morbidly obese person porn
fat guy in stocks
button pic
britney spears schoolgirl
fat people picture
fuck off
shut up fuck off

These are from yesterday. Jesus.