Porn and Fat People

14 09 2008
If you look closely, well, dont look closely.

If you look closely, well, don't look closely.

It has recently come to my attention (I just realized) that porn and fat people bring in the most hits to this blog. As a kind of experiment–in the very loosest sense–I am now preparing to write an article devoted entirely to adult video entertainment and the morbidly obese. I admit to some reservations…

I have not yet decided how to arrange this article, due in part to my crippling fear of what will surely appear in Google images when I search for “porn and fat people”. Let’s see. Hmm, it appears that the first three results are actually moderately SFW. What’s more, they’re even slightly unrepulsive. Let’s try it from another angle.

Google search for: “fat people and porn”.

Oh. Oh goodness.

That’s… I, uh, haven’t the words. I knew something awful would happen. The least offensive image of the top three…

Take that, libido!

Take that, libido!

…proves it.  There’s a definite point at which irony reverses itself and terrible things happen. Whether that sentence refers to me or the appetite-ruiner above, or both, is yet to be said. That fucking picture isn’t helping things, either. What bothers me most is that she’s obviously posed–there’s even something stuffed between her…leg, or whatever…and her windward side–eating a whole cake in her no-doubt sturdy undergarments, but looks actually impatient for the picture to be taken so she can put down the fork and grab two meaty fistfuls of icing and diabetic shock.

Let’s move on,

Some of the top search phrases for this blog involve porn actresses and fists, or some combination of the two along with “anus”. I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’ve written that much on the subject of anal sex, although I know I have discussed it or referenced it on a few separate occasions, and have in fact used both–okay, fine. I talk about butt sex too much.

Butt sex. There.

Porn can be pretty entertaining sometimes, but it has its major drawbacks. Most people know the whole “I don’t want to see some guy’s balloon knot staring me in the eye while I’m trying to test the mic” line. Despite its lameness, that’s a fairly true statement. Another one would be “I don’t want to look at some dirty chick with a pimply ass who looks like she left the kids at 7-11 so she could go screw herself some crank money”. That’s a turn-off for a couple reasons, but primarily it’s because they always look tired and strung-out, or worse, when they look like they’ve been tricked into it. Maybe I’m too sensitive, but that’s a little much.

On the other hand,

Some women would have to try pretty goddamned hard to turn anyone off. Sadly, my ideal porn scene involves two women who are actual actresses, one who is now an actual dead actress, and two of me, which will never come to pass, since Fate shit on me when I sold my necromancing kit to buy a cloning lab. Although, if I could clone an army of Megan Foxes, I could use them to protect me (with sex) from the other army of Megan Foxes who want to kill me (with more sex, and maybe katanas, because evidently I think Evil Megan Fox would all be ninja).

Throwing stars? No, this is where I keep my car keys.

"Throwing stars? No, this is where I keep my car keys."

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2 responses

30 09 2008
Richard

Do people actually look up that nasty shit? And, maybe it’s because I’m gay, but who the hell is Megan Fox?

30 09 2008
The Schroederist

You’re right–it’s because you’re gay.

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