Rejected article ideas for The Onion

15 08 2008

Barack Obama Disses Only Black Friend with Jaunty Finger-Pointing

Kitten thinks of nothing but carpet being awesome all day.

Tangle of Jesus-shaped Christmas lights catches fire, kills 7

5,128 Things The Onion Hates About John Stewart’s Hair Going Gray

Aging Pizza Hut moves to a quieter neighborhood

5 scientifically proven ways to straight up jack a nigga

None of these are actually real, by the way. I have no idea if The Onion even has a submission system by which I can get rejected.I could look that up, but all fifteen of my open browser tabs are important stuff, and opening a new one might cause my computer to grow a pair of legs and kick the shit out of itself.

If one of you reading this gets inspired, I would really like to read your take on the article, specifically the one in which I learn to straight up jack some punk-ass sucka. I consider that inability my greatest failing in life.




3 responses

15 08 2008
The Schroederist

Carpet is amazing. Especially with adorable kittens on it. We should get a kitten.

15 08 2008
The Schroederist

Oh, sorry, I forgot I was you.

15 08 2008
The Schroederist

I’ve been infiltrated! Battle stations!

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