Rain, rain, go away…

1 06 2008

Okay, so I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that China, in its apparent panic-induced insanity, has decided that firing a weather satellite into orbit is the most ideal way to prevent Mother Nature from fucking up the Olympics. Right. So the next time I’m planning a picnic and storm clouds appear on the horizon, I’m going to go out and snap a couple of pictures. That should show that lousy storm who’s boss.

Is there a more unlikely solution to China’s Olympic games problems? If I were China, I’d be full of rice paddies and tiny people I’d find a more reasonable middle ground. Of course, “reasonable” might not come across very well in Mandarin. Judging by China’s reaction to the looming games—beating the ever-loving ass off of Tibetans, firing missiles at hypothetical storms—I’d say that “reasonable solutions” translates roughly to “pussy-ass nonsense” to most Chinese officials. If we could somehow convince them to build an enormous glass dome…
It occurs to me that I probably know only a handful of people who even give a shit about the Olympics. Much fewer than those who care about 30 Rock, The Office, or UFC Fight Nights, in any case. It’s weird, too, since there are so many things to bet on in the Olympics. Unlike horse racing or midget tossing, an odds-maker could have a fucking manic field day drawing up high-lows for each day of the games. If I were a betting man—or, if the truth were told, I understood how gambling odds are made—I’d lose a massive bundle every time the games roll around. That seems to be the ticket, anyway: it’s not about winning; it’s about playing.

That sounds an awful lot like the Special Olympics, which in all fairness would be much more entertaining to bet on. At least then you could lose five large and still be able to laugh about it. God, I am an awful bastard for even thinking that.

Anyway, back to those wacky Asians. I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about. I know that China is trying their damndest to join in all of the other reindeer games—like, you know, mattering to the rest of the world—but it makes them all look a bit silly, what with all of this craziness about the Olympics. Even if all of the games get rained/bombed out, they’ll still make a pretty penny—or yen, or whatever the hell they trade for real goods and services—by selling out and over-crowding every goddamned hotel in the country. Here’s what I’d do: hike up the price on every saleable item in China, then shut down all the airspace.

The Government: “Fuck all of those rich Europeans. Let’s gouge the shit out of ‘em!”

The People: “Yeah!”

The Government: “And then we can get back to life as usual!”

The People: “Aw, crap.”

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