I think I have a tumor.

31 05 2008

Or rather, I think my brain has one. I’ve had migraines and cluster headaches since I was six, and they’ve never gone away like my doctors always assured me they would. What good are doctors if all they ever do is put fingers in your ass and tell you nothing’s wrong with your brain?

I’ve had my head X-rayed, EKGd, EEGd, and several other acronymic things that resulted in god-awful bills but no discernible problems. I swear, though, that my headaches are real. I’m no…fuck, what’s that word? Hypo or hyper-something. Hypochondriac! Fuck yes! That’s the ticket. Anyway, I’m not one of those. It’s not like I’d put a loaded shotgun to my head and nearly pull the trigger when I didn’t actually have the worst headache of my entire life. I did that, by the way, and it nearly resulted in two things: my neck being very lonely and free of burden, and the absolute end of all headaches. 

Why would I shoot myself just to end a headache? It’s really not that uncommon. I’m sure that there are all kinds of statistics related to migraine-suicides, but I’m much to lazy to cite them here. We’ll just continue on the basic assumption that they exist, and move along. Okay?


The doctors told me for years that I would outgrow my migraines. Well, they’re a bunch of lying assholes. I have not outgrown them; in fact, they’ve gotten worse over the years. They’re longer and more intense now, and sometimes last for days. It used to be that vomiting would at least exhaust me enough to pass out by the toilet, but anymore all it does is raise my blood pressure and make the fucking thing worse. 

So, therefore, I think I have a tumor. Which, in itself, is not nearly as scary as envisioning a future filled with unexplained and untreated migraines and cluster headaches. I could deal with cancer. I can’t deal with headaches. 

Even though, technically, I do deal with them, but anyway…




One response

1 06 2008

I am sorry to know that you suffer Cluster headaches. they are really excruciating. I know since I have suffered of them since 20 years ago, and the cluster has taken all those years in fact, with very little intervals. Now they are not so strong as they used to be and i have had later up to one week free of them. There are support groups in Internet that can give you some tips and some hope. Look for them.

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