Too Hot for Porn: Five Women Who Don’t Have to Go Double-Anal

5 05 2008

Hot women and pornography go together like, um, hot women and completely ignoring guys like me. It’s pretty difficult to find an unattractive chick in today’s dirty movies, unless you still consider Jenna Jameson to be female. There are all kinds of gorgeous gals in skin flicks these days that you’d think there’s some kind of Perfect 10 assembly line out in the San Fernando Valley. Or that maybe Satan is loose on the Earth and is defiling everything we hold dear in life and love.

Either way, the usual suspects in any given porn situation are, at the very least, sevens on the Babe Scale. I mean, some of these girls make anything Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret have to offer look like a baby shower at Luis Guzman’s house.

Having said that, there are a select few porn “actresses” who are so stunning you have to stop and wonder why they’re even in the industry to begin with. Sure, porn pays pretty well if you’re pretty and can’t type, but this is a bit much. Even if every single one of these chicks are in it because they really really like four penes jabbing them repeatedly in every available orifice, there has to be a point where they go “You know what? I’m too goddamned pretty for all this. I’m going to go make Bill Gates lick my dog’s ass.”

 

Jenna Presley

Now, her Google image results may shock and arouse most of you into painfully stiff convulsions, but if you didn’t know better, what would you say about Miss Presley? That she can take a wrist-thick dong all the way down to the top of her colon? Or that she’s probably a hot librarian’s assistant? Or maybe some really nice lady who teaches blind kids to read, instead of causing teenage kids to go blind?

 

Lela Star

Now, I’m not going to try and defend this choice and say she’s “too hot” for porn. I know she looks like your average internet yank site model, but there’s just something so wholesome, so open, about her. She certainly doesn’t strike me as a girl who’s had several cubic feet of penis inside her anus.

Teagan Presley

Remember when Britney Spears was the pinnacle of schoolgirl hotness? Well, neither do I. I read something about it five minutes ago, then made the mistake of looking at the above image again. I’ve even forgotten my first name, driver’s license number, and the name of my unborn child.

 

Ava Rose

If you don’t know who Ava Rose is, you’re among the few (and probably socially equipped and with an active sex life) who don’t. She’s the industry’s hottest rising star, and probably the number one candidate to take Ol’ Leatherface’s place as Queen of the Dicks. She is also, as you can see, incredibly classy looking. I could totally see her starring along side Clark Gable, instead of inside Carmen Luvana.

 

Jenna Haze

Holy bacon, Batman. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Jenna Haze would give Jesus a hard-on. There is no woman on this planet hotter than Miss Haze. Further, there can’t even be someone equally hot on the planet at the same time as her. It’s mathematically impossible. The world would explode for very mathy reasons that I don’t have the time to explain to you. Just know it.

 

Conclusion

You might be asking yourself: “why the fuck should I care about these women? I’m glad they’re in porn. The guy who wrote this must be some kinda faggy asshead.” And you may very well be right. On the other hand, if you really think about it, at this rate, every single attractive woman on the planet will one day only touch penes that are ten-plus inches long, and are attached to someone whose name is also in the script.

Not all of us are so freakishly endowed–I am not throwing my hat into that ring with you peanut dicks, by the way–and hardly any of us could successfully maintain a porn career. Those who can, well, why don’t you go fuck something? Or maybe watch Mind of Mencia. For everyone else: caveat emptor.

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One response

11 06 2008
thecrazychef

I AGREE with your choices!

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