So, in case I haven’t said anything about it, The Girlfriend and I are moving in together.This means that she’ll be moving a few dozen blocks from her dorm residence hall, and I’ll be moving about eighty miles Northward. It also means that we will be on equal ground–we’re both living there, rather than one of us moving into the other’s space–so there should be no territorialism. Unless I try to pee on her furniture.
Further, it means that I have to find a new job in the next six or eight weeks. She’ll be moving first, and I’ll follow as planned a month later. I still have to train my replacement at work and, oh yeah, inform them that I’ll soon be quitting. It would be nice to find something along the lines of what I’m already doing, but hey–beggars can’t be choosers. They can, however, be hookers.
In order to ease the process of moving in together, I have set forth a few personal goals that I hope to achieve before she gets sick of me and feeds me to my dog.
I will not:
–Fart* in front of her.
–Extinguish cigarettes in food.
–Use my dog to sweep the kitchen floor.
–Eat butter and crackers.
–Forget to flush after depositing evidence of Taco Bell.
–Wipe boogers on the walls behind or beside the toilet.
–Throw things at my neighbors.
–Vomit in the trashcan.
–Order pizza before counting how much money I have to spend.
–Borrow money from my neighbors to pay the pizza guy.
–Masturbate in the living room.
–Sing along to commercial jingles while masturbating in the living room.
–Take out the trash only as far as my neighbor’s balcony.
–Leave frozen burritos in the pool to become unfrozen goo.
–Allow meat products to thaw in the sun while I swim.
–Put old hotdogs in potted plants around the complex.
Hopefully, I won’t have to remember this list the hard way, which usually involves repeated admonishments followed by a strict questioning of moral values, of which mine are often in question. Then again, it will be our apartment. That’s an important distinction, in case it ever comes up in court.
*While she’s awake, obviously.