Something old, but it’s not bad…

28 02 2008

Your Man-Crush on Christian Bale Does Not Mean You’re Gay


Look, it’s because he’s Batman. Grow up.

Sure, being completely entranced by another man may seem like it’s chock full of homosexual drama, but does it really signify your latent homosexuality? I kind of always thought that sort of thing manifested itself through other means, like being an enormous asshole, or commenting on Digg articles.

Below, we’ll discuss the main reasons why straight men across the globe are looking inward and questioning everything they thought they knew about themselves as a result of Mr. Bale’s undeniable awesomeness. Before we get to that, let us just say this: no matter how gay you end up being because of Christian Bale, we still love and respect you. But not in a gay way.

1) He’s “sexy”. Of course, at first glance, this line of reasoning might not seem that solid, but if you think about it, you’ll see what we’re driving at. Christian Bale’s massive physique is unquestionably impressive, and women find that sort of thing attractive. To be duly impressed by such physical prowess is not gay in nature, it’s purely aesthetic appreciation and strategic planning. Just because we spend long hours staring at those glorious pecs doesn’t mean we want him; it just means we’re trying to get that image stuck in our minds for when we go to the gym. Yes, we’re going to the gym, but we’re not going to talk to anyone, or even change out of our loose-fitting, unrevealing sweathclothes.

2) He’s committed to his art. Another notch in the belt of things that are impressive about Christian Bale is his utter dedication to his life’s work of acting. For a guy to lose seventy pounds to play a schizophrenic skeleton, and then gain another one hundred of solid muscle to play a manic-depressive crimefighter, well, excuse us if we’re a little bit awed by that. Considering that the prospect of hot women isn’t enough to make most guys trim a measly fifteen pounds after the holidays, the fluctuation of one-hundred-seventy pounds in less than a year for the sheer purpose of acting is something worth admiring in a man. Even by other men.

3) He’s Batman. If you ignore everything else about the guy, keep this fact in mind before you judge us: not only is he Batman-the most acessible superhero ever-he’s also the best Batman ever. Out of the four theatrical Batmen*, the most likely to kick the ever-loving shit out of you, in real life or while dressed in a form-fitted rubber suit, is most certainly Christian Bale. We could understand it being gay if we had a man-crush on George Clooney**, or maybe Val Kilmer, but those guys don’t hold a candle to Bale. Besides, since when is it gay to like rich, handsome men who dress up in black latex and caper around in the night with youthful boys*** in tight spandex?

*Note that anyone who ever had a crush on Michael Keaton, male or female, is probably either blind or criminally insane. The man was Beetlejuice, for God’s sake.

**Note that being madly attracted to George Clooney is a completely normal side-effect of having eyes, or watching Ocean’s Eleven. It might be gay, but it’s kind of unavoidable.

***Okay, we get the whole “he plays with Dick in the middle of the night” joke. We get it. Jesus.

4) Two words: American Psycho. If you haven’t seen it, the whole concept of the movie lies with this guy who runs around killing the shit out of pretty much everything. In the end, we find out that he was imagining the whole thing, but still-he really fucked stuff up. Even if you discount all that because it was imaginary, there’s this: traditionally, the only people attracted to guys who appear to be completely normal, but are in fact raving psychopaths, are women. Yes, we realize that sounds gay, too. But, if you think about it, who’s the nuttiest psycho you can think of that gay men were drawn to? Jeffrey Dahmer? John Wayne Gacy? Come on, those guys aren’t even in the same neighborhood as normal. Finding that sort of dangerous side in a man attractive doesn’t make you gay, it makes you, well… Shit. A potential victim? Hell, we don’t know.




2 responses

28 02 2008

What about that Joker Character sporting the purple outfit, the bright red lipstick, the drag queen hair color of green. The silly laugh every time he gets hit by batman. He’s always smiling even if someone gets killed or hurt.

28 02 2008
The Schroederist

That’s because the Joker is a mass-murdering lunatic, homme. I’m pretty sure that Having a Man-Crush on The Joker Does Not Mean You’re Gay wouldn’t strike quite the same tongue-in-cheek note.

In fact, I think people would probably turn me in to the police. Rightly so, too.

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