This is why my brain shuts off when people mention the environment.

26 02 2008

“I don’t like pumping my own gas because I think it’s bad for the environment.”

 

Yes, that quote is real. I overheard it tonight while walking from the gas pump to the store, and I really couldn’t believe my ears. I actually came up short and almost tripped when I heard that little bon mot, and I stopped to hear the rest of the scholar’s reasoning. There really wasn’t much else by way of mind-melting logic, so I drew my own conclusions. Apparently, it’s bad for the environment and ozone layer to release gas fumes into the air, but you’re only guilty of damaging it if you personally do the pumping. Having someone else do it, in that case your equally retarded male friend, absolves you from any responsibility or guilt. Yes, even if it’s your car.

 

I say that the male friend is “equally retarded” because his response, or the half I heard before my brain began vomiting blood, was just as idiotic as hers. He said something like, “It would be so much easier if cars didn’t need gas, like if they always had gas in them. You know? Why do cars really need gas anyway?”

 

Okay, I agree that it would be incredibly hassle-free to have a car that always had a full tank. With the exception of the occasional rocket launcher attack, you would be utterly in the black in terms of convenience. But if you put down the bong and think about it, even for a mere nanosecond, you’ll realize that cars don’t make their own gas. Someone, some evil environment-hating republican, would have to put gas in the car at least once for that to work, and even then there would still be the exhaust fumes to deal with. I’m not exactly up-to-date on my hippie “save the planet” rhetoric, but I’m pretty sure that’s the majority of the issue.

 

I suppose I could have given them a brief run-down of how engines work through a process of combustion, a process which is greatly aided by combustible fuels like gasoline, but I try not to speak to strangers whose favorite color is “crayon”. While I can sympathize with the feeling that gasoline is a big problem these days, the sad fact is that most cars need it to operate. Magic, I’m sorry to say, only works when you’re trying to saw people in half.

 

I think everyone can see why I hate people sometimes. It’s that kind of thinking that makes me pray for the legalization of selective euthanasia, because that’s just one step closer to arbitrary euthanasia. Culling the population would put a quick stop to such inexplicable idiocy. If that sounds overly harsh, I think you might be missing the point.

 

There are people out there right now, individuals who are legally driving two-thousand-pound automobiles, who can’t understand why you have to pump gas into your car to make it run. These are people who don’t quite get really complex concepts like “gravity”, and the reasons why pouring scalding hot coffee on your crotch will cause some measure of discomfort. If those people manage to breed without somehow killing themselves in the process, we’ll have that many more half-functioning morons to deal with.

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