No, I didn’t say your beliefs were invalid. I said they were stupid.

26 02 2008

I’m not a religious person. By this, I don’t mean that I’m an athiest-I personally think that most athiests are dickheads-but rather that basing my entire belief system on some raving sociopath’s interpretation of a perpetually translated ancient text is probably, but not necessarily, irresponsible. I think for myself, and I don’t appreciate being told that I need some sort of mystical “spirit power” to understand written words.

Religion isn’t a topic I usually discuss. I’ll make fun of it, sure, but to actually sit down and waste three hours of my life explaining how X concept is baseless and fucking retarded is something I usually save for special occasions and family get-togethers. It’s not hard to debate the bible, especially since most people who do debate it make shit up as they go, anyway. I have a way with words-specifically, I’m crafty with symbols and context-and it’s pretty difficult to bullshit me with something I can look up for myself. Telling me that I can’t jerk off to fuzzy camera phone footage of neck-breaking skateboard injuries because Dave 23:7 forbids it isn’t going to convince me if the entire book of Dave is about selling cattle to non-Jews.

Another thing that bugs me is the smug complacency of believers. If I ask you, the believer, how you know that Clarence 5:10 permits you to beat your wife for being smarter than you, answering me with “I just know it in my spirit” is going to likely garner you a “spirited” neck punch. You don’t “just know”-you’re hiding behind feigned certainty as a means to conceal flawed evidence. Your “spirit” tells you that the book of Clarence is about one thing, while my “brain” sees it for what it really is. Chances are pretty good that you “spirit” consists of you being a fucking idiot who can’t admit to misunderstanding something. It’s okay to be wrong, sayeth the Christians, unless you happen to be one. In that case, you’re not wrong; God just had a different plan as to how a thing was to be understood.

I’m a pretty adroit researcher, in that I can a) read, b) understand the words I read, and c) remember most of it. Additionally, I can find the strongest and weakest points of any argument without really even thinking about it. Most people can do that, they just simply choose not to because it’s immensely easier to believe something that they don’t understand and call it “divine”.

I’m not fucking buying that, kids. If there is a God, and I’m not saying there isn’t, but if there is a divine creator, he knows how patently stupid his creations are. He knows that humans are generally about as intelligent as the film on their unwashed teeth, and probably wouldn’t go to the trouble of making things he specifically wants them to believe to be so irritatingly confusing. In short, a responsible, caring teacher doesn’t teach to the smartest kid in the class, but the dumbest. The smart-ass gets to move on to other things, while the core system gets exhaustively explained to the dipshits.

So, when someone comes up to me and tells me “Jorge is Lord!”, my knee-jerk reaction is to ask them, “How do you know? I noticed that you are wearing one of your socks over your shoe, so the evidence of Jorge’s deification can’t possibly be that hard to comprehend.” If the guy tells me “I just know”, then he might not enjoy the rest of his non-swallowing, neck-punched existence. However, if he can present a solid argument without resorting to back-tracking assholery, I will actually listen.

But don’t try to pawn off some bullshit on me. Jorge might be Lord, but I’m the sheriff around these parts. I lay down the law, and the law is, so sayeth the good book:

“Whosoever comes unto you with pleading voices and backwards assholery shall be rendered unto Justice with great fury, and shalt thou puncheth that man’s neck thrice before his body doth lie prone.”

And the congregation said, “Hey man.”

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