Dealing With an Ingrown Toenail

26 02 2008

 Pesky little toenails! What did man ever do to deserve such punishment? Well, we may have had a hand in killing Jesus. Other than that, I’ve got nothing.

 Anyway, if you’re like me, you’ve occasionally run afoul of your very own toenails and had them stage a mutiny. They dig in deep and cause excruciating amounts of pain whenever you walk, stop walking, or kick the ever-loving bastard out of your dog or neighbor’s young son. They ache then throb, throb then ache, and seem to laugh at you from their cozy little nest inside your toe.

 So what does the intelligent, well-informed modern male do when confronted with such a problem? Why, he goes to the doctor, of course! But guys like you and me, we walk a different path. We don’t need no steenking doctors. We have filthy pocket knives! And no disinfectant! And, as luck would have it, just enough utter blinking stupidity to put them both to spirited use on our poor, defenseless toes.

Step 1: Locating the Problem Area.

Does your big toe really hurt? Is it kind of red and swollen? Fantastic! You have an ingrown toenail! Now, the best way to really get to the crux of the matter is to grab the toe and squeeze the holy fuck out of it until you nearly black out from the pain. Okay, grab your toe and smash that fucker. Did that not hurt like sweet merciful hell? Good! You’ve just located the problem area.

Step 2: Jabbing Aimlessly at Your Toe with a Very Large Knife.

This one is simple: just grab the longest, rustiest, filthiest knife you can find. It doesn’t have to be yours. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be a knife. It can be anything sharp enough to open the skin and let in infectious bacteria. Take your knife, spoon, or broken bottle and aim just slightly to the side of the offending nail. Did you accidentally slice open your toe? Wonderful. You may now move on to the next step.

Step 3: Swearing Loudly and Often.

This one is easier than the last step. Just suck in a deep breath and let loose enough vulgar language to make your hair grow a few centimeters. Be sure to include every single racial, ethnic, religious, and sexist slur you can think of, and don’t be shy about making up your own words. ‘Ass-facing cuntmongrel’ might come in useful one day.

Step 4: Precision Knife Work.

This is where things get a little tricky. You’ll have to try to avoid gouging another trench in your own skin, and possibly even dig into that troublesome spot where all (most, now) the pain is coming from. Is the knife in? In your toe and not, say, buried hilt-deep in your eye? Good. Now, dig around until the pain becomes blinding and you lose consciousness for a second. Did you come to with blood all over your foot and the pain at an all-time high? Very good work. Please proceed.

Step 5: Negotiating with Your Own Bleeding Toe.

Does your toe seem a little hard-nosed about cooperating with your idiotic knife work? Would you like to either chop it off or get drunk and shoot someone in the foot? Excellent! Now you can begin the necessary begging and negotiating with your ingrown toenail. If it just sits there festering and seeping blood, you may continue to the last and most important step in this process.

Step 6: Giving the Fuck Up.

This is the least difficult of all the steps involved in dealing with an ingrown toenail like a total lunatic. Just eyeball the toe; I mean really give it the stink eye. Mumble to yourself like you’re crazy enough to do just about anything. Just when the toe becomes cooperative, hurl your knife/beer bottle cap across the room in frustration and yell your word-of-choice at the top of your lungs. I prefer ‘Douglas F. Cockshitwipemotherdickface.’ It really makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Which, of course, I haven’t.

Fuck you, toe.

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