A post closely related to the last post.

26 02 2008

Okay, first off- it’s called ‘coprophila’. We already knew that, but here’s the exact definition:coprophila:

1. Attraction of microorganisms to faecal matter.

2. In psychiatry, a morbid attraction to, and interest in (with a sexual element), faecal matter.

 We’re going to talk about the second one, if you don’t mind. I just had to answer a few of my own questions out of insatiable curiosity, and I felt the unexplainable urge to share my findings with all of you.

I know, you don’t have to thank me.

 It turns out that there is a diet regimen for people who poo on one another. It’s considered impolite to ingest dairy products, greasy or oily meats, grainy breads, or vegetables that are high in certain kinds of acids. Apparently this makes the poo ‘distasteful’.

**edit: If after reading the above paragraph you found yourself picturing horrible things about greasy meat and lumpy whole-grain turds, don’t worry. You’re not alone.**

 As for the whole scheduling thing, it appears that normally (I don’t know why, but that word seems inappropriate) there are pairs of people who get enjoyment out of two different aspects of the pastime. Those who like to poo on people (pretty girls, politicians) end up involved with people who enjoy being shat on (the liberal media, Canadians). As in homosexual couples, there are not usually pairings of two same-type coprophiliacs.

 The real problem is that there aren’t catchy terms for each of these as there are for gay guys (pitcher & catcher, top & bottom, Vin Diesel & Orlando Bloom). So I suggest we make up a few, for the sake of honest research, of course.

 B-52 & The Korean Village

 David Letterman & The Street Below

 The Baker & The Cookie Sheet

 Rubber Stamp & The Official Document

 The Chemical Plant & The Freshwater Lake

 America & The Kansas City Chiefs

 Carlos Mencia & All That’s Holy and Good

 Me & Carlos Mencia

 Okay, I think that’s enough. Anyway, the point is that there are an awful lot of details about poo-eating that we might not know. Even the vast cesspool of the internet failed to answer some of my most pressing questions. Things like:

 Is there a voting system for whose house you go to to shit on people?

 If you eat poop, does it come out somehow ‘poopier’ the next day?

 What if you poop only bluejays and roses?

 As you can see, my investigative skills are at their sharpest at four o’clock in the afternoon. Plus, you’d be surprised at how many coprophiliacs there are out there in various forums who get very angry when you ask them questions like that.

 I guess being shit on all the time takes its toll on your ego.

 Anyway, I got kicked out of three pooping forums for my inquisitiveness. Lousy bastards. All I wanted was some answers, and I got shit on.

Heh.

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