Hang on a second…

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT?

 

Okay, I admit it’s slightly flattering. But still, how creepy is it to be solicited on Craigslist? There’s a chance it’s not to me, and I hope it isn’t, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s me, for the sake of melodramatic theatrics. 

You see, the problem with dens of iniquity is…

That the clerks always look at you with this mildly superior smirk, like “I’m so pulling a fast one on you right now. You’re totally buying this stuff that I’m selling. I win.” 

Now, I get it that maybe a guy shopping in a porn store is probably a little creepier than the guy working there–at least on the outside–but inferior? Or, god forbid, morally inferior? Oh my, whatever shall we do…

No, no. Let me back up just a little. See, I always maintain an overly cheerful manner when dealing with guys who work in places that sell bongs and rubber vaginas. It keeps them on edge, ready to fight to the death if necessary, should any errant pervert make a wrong move. It’s healthy for them, I think, to have that sort of fantasy world to slip into when all you have to do for twelve hours a day is watch wrestling and sell fake cocks to women his grandmother’s age. 

Anyway, he had that same sort of smirk I was telling you about. Except, on this guy, the smirk looked half condescending, and half hateful. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if he had a loaded shotgun next to the TV, always ready to blow a hole in someone, but that just gathers dust, having never even been fired. If I had jumped at him and made a scary face:

Yes, just like that one

He would have blown a rat hole through my thigh. You know, because of how scary I am. I mean, look at that–is that the scariest Asian man you’ve ever seen or what?

I’m sorry, I seem to be getting away from the point here. The point is that the greatest moral question of my generation is whether the guy selling the porn, or the guy buying, is of a higher moral standing. Maybe they’re equally scummy. Or maybe they should join forces to stop crime because they’re both just that fucking awesome. 

Or maybe the guy shopping at the porn store shouldn’t be complaining so much about the service. 

I’m sorry, you’re going to have to run that one by me again.

You know, as a smoker, I can say I’ve never really been bothered by those anti-smoking ads on television. Some of them are pretty funny, while others are honestly unsettling. Did you see the one with the thousand-plus people falling flat on their faces in the street around a tobacco company’s corporate headquarters? Holy shit. That one still bugs me even after having not seen it in a while. 

On the other hand, this new one is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen put out in protest of anything. Even worse than some of those Iraq war protests–which are often frighteningly stupid–the one with the dancing animated emaciated babies takes the fucking cake. I get what the message is supposed to be, I think, but I can’t put that together with the whole anti-smoking theme and see anything that’s supposed to make sense.

Usually, the moral is “smoking is bad and will kill you”, which is fine with me. I know smoking will kill me. I know that. I’ve seen the facts and actual evidence. But this exciting new twist in the commercials, this “anyone related to smoking is evil and wants to kill you and your animated babies” is a bit too much.

Not only that, but someone said recently that the commercial had racist elements. Apparently the stork is supposed to be a caricature of a lazy black man, one who agrees that smaller babies are a good thing, and the guy most obviously against smoking is the nice white kid playing a Country & Western tune. Something about a subtle “don’t be like the lazy niggers” is supposed to be the underlying message, and since the whole commercial is offensive to black people, they’re less likely to be given the message is bad. Which obviously means that White America wants Black America to die from smoking.

Okay. Right.

Put into an enjoyably simple bullet list, whoever scripted this message wants to convince you that: 

• Big Tobacco is really our version of the Great Satan
• black people are lazy
• black people support cigarette companies’ decision to harm your baby
• black people kill white babies
• black people are the Great Satan
• “don’t be like the lazy niggers”

So… everybody get all that? Yeah. 

Okay, I have to take issue with this.

 

 

Yesterday

Search	Views
fat people	4
women of ninja warrior	3
obese porn	2
fat people naked	2
fattest people	2
porn for women	1
fat mexicans	1
fattest american	1
fat people fucking	1
my girlfriend asleep	1

Now, I’m not going to knock any means that get hits on my blog, but this is a bit much. You see that last one? This goes out to whoever wrote it:

Buddy, I’m truly sorry that your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you come here to see pictures or anecdotes about your girlfriend sleeping. You poor sad bastard.

Truthfully, I’ve never seen her asleep. I’ve never even seen her face. 

She does part her hair in a pretty straight line, though.

Buh-dum-ch!

 

Craigslist is the internet’s Babylon

Lo, Babylon the great has fallen. Where once there was a site dedicated to the free exchange of goods and services, there is now (and probably has been since about five seconds after Craigslist’s launch) a mire of dedicated debauchery. Not only has Craigslist made itself look bad, it’s also done a fine job of fucking up my conception of the town I live in. Go ahead, I dare you. If you’re in a city of any size, chances are your town has a Craigslist section. Look under “Casual Encounters” and tell me if your entire perception just shifted a little bit.

Okay, maybe I’m making too big a deal about this. Maybe all college campuses have glory holes. Maybe there really are legions of post- and preop trannies out there ready and willing to… do whatever it is that they do to whoever answers their posts. God only knows.

 Then again, and not to sound too paranoid, what if it’s the cops? What if all these sad people are just being set up to get fucked in a way that access to Craigslist does not provide? Ouch. The really tragic thing is that it’s fairly probable that that’s the case. What’s even worse is that it’s probably legal now to set up entrapping posts on the internet. Who knows?

Anyway, I may have freaked out a little when I saw that post. I was just trolling through the personals–the women’s were mostly (with a few major exceptions) boring; the men’s, on the other hand, were compelling in the way that Rotten was compelling–when lo and behold…

“An open invitation to an on-campus glory hole! Holy shit, that means that–” 

Then I realized that I actually know very little about glory holes. I get the basic penis-through-the-hole thing, but who decides who does what? It’s supposed to be anonymous, so it’s not like the dudes should talk to each other all that much, right? Then again, I’d hate to be the one guy in the whole place who just stands there for three hours with his dick poking through a roughly drilled hole in the side of a bathroom stall.

That would be embarrassing.

Not to mention that Dammit. I got away from my point here with all this talk about dicks and walls and public indecency laws and shit. The point, ladies and gentlemen, the point is that Craigslist is a dirty place to visit. Never mind the hours of schadenfreude I get from poring over all those sad lonely people’s personal ads. Never mind the possibility that many people have found actual contentment through the personal ads. The point is that some of them make me uncomfortable.

As to why they make me uncomfortable, well…

YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING! 

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAS A VAGINA!

The Last Bastion of Sanity

I took a delivery out to a car dealership yesterday. This in itself isn’t that interesting, but the awful joke I heard, and its source, are at least a little bit compelling. First, the joke:

“Hell, I could sell suntan lotion to old niggers!”

Well, yes… Okay. The set-up to that won’t explain much, either, since it more or less came from a deep corner of left field. I was standing around waiting for the person with the money for the order, when a few of the salesmen decided to strike up a conversation with me.

“Well, he should be down any minute now. Say, how much does the cost’a gas affect you drivers?”

“It isn’t that bad, as long as your car gets decent mileage.”

“What you get in that ol’ Mustang–about 18?”

“About twenty-three in the city, I guess. A lot more on the highway.”

“Well, ol’ Mike should be down in here in a second…”

“And don’t worry about the tip–he’s got ya covered.”

“He might try to sell you a car, though.”

“Oh, I’m a pretty tough sell.”

A new voice from behind says, “Hell, I could sell suntan lotion to old niggers!”

The voice, the one from behind me, is pretty deep. Deep enough that you can imagine the man being about 6′5″ or so, and probably that kind of fat that country mothers call “stoutness”. It’s a smooth voice, not terribly stilted with some accent–local or otherwise. It’s a practiced voice, is what I mean. 

Anyway, I turned around and looked right into the face, almost eye level, with an Asian man who weighed about 130 pounds. Holy fucking cats, I thought. There’s no way I’ll be able to speak to this man in a rational way. I’d be laughing too hard, or freaking out at the plain fact of the image in front of me. The only thing more confusing than an Asian man with a voice like a big black stage actor would be a small dog with the voice of Lucille Ball.

I left after doing most of the talking. The hilarious/disturbing tableau stuck with me well into the night. I woke up this morning fully expecting Kelly to sound like that. I don’t know why that voice, along with that joke, just fucked me up for the rest of the day.

Okay. That’s my little story for the day.  

Oh Christ, here come the symbols…

Now that Hillary Clinton is more or less a dead duck, we’re left with Senators Obama and McCain duking it out for the top spot. This is where the symbols come in. Now, I’m not trying to sound like some nutjob TV psychic. What I mean is that the Obama/McCain clash is symbolic of the classic Black Man’s Struggle in America. Because of this, and because he’s sort of black, look for Barack Obama’s camp to play up the underdog aspect. God knows America loves an underdog.

Sadly, I don’t see it working for Obama this go-round. He’s too polished, too professional, to be able to play off a decent woe-is-me card and not look like a total buffoon. No one will feel sorry for him, but then again, no will care either way. In a gang rape, the victim doesn’t prefer one dick to another.

I’m no politico, but I’d say wait for a big bomb to come from Obama’s people some time this Summer. Something involving McCain and his stance on religion, perhaps. It would be a boon to Obama’s Presidential hopes if he could somehow play the two-sided preacher fiasco as a natural consequence of politics. Then, he could come out in favor of a milder, more politically astute preacher, and seem like the Righteous Brother the people will surely vote for. He does this, but manages to make McCain’s same rejection of supportive religious figures look like ingratitude. After all, Reverend Wright was a lunatic anyone would be glad to get away from; Hagee and Parsley are just your average White Southr’n Preachuhs.

At any rate, there isn’t any good choice for us this year. Obama’s a professional politician, and McCain’s an old asshole. In a country full of them, the assholes will always reign supreme.  

More stupid searches that will lead you here!

Search	Views
fat people	41
fat peoples bellies	3
ugly fat people	3
teagan presley schoolgirl	1
fat people people	1
fat mexicans	1

Yesterday

Search	Views
fat people	26
women ninja warrior champion	2
gigantic dog poop	2
funny old fat people	2
fight club	1
fat mexicans	1
batman, i’m the goddamn	1
pornography penis	1
penectomy pictures	1
too hot women

Rain, rain, go away…

Okay, so I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that China, in its apparent panic-induced insanity, has decided that firing a weather satellite into orbit is the most ideal way to prevent Mother Nature from fucking up the Olympics. Right. So the next time I’m planning a picnic and storm clouds appear on the horizon, I’m going to go out and snap a couple of pictures. That should show that lousy storm who’s boss.

Is there a more unlikely solution to China’s Olympic games problems? If I were China, I’d be full of rice paddies and tiny people I’d find a more reasonable middle ground. Of course, “reasonable” might not come across very well in Mandarin. Judging by China’s reaction to the looming games—beating the ever-loving ass off of Tibetans, firing missiles at hypothetical storms—I’d say that “reasonable solutions” translates roughly to “pussy-ass nonsense” to most Chinese officials. If we could somehow convince them to build an enormous glass dome…
It occurs to me that I probably know only a handful of people who even give a shit about the Olympics. Much fewer than those who care about 30 Rock, The Office, or UFC Fight Nights, in any case. It’s weird, too, since there are so many things to bet on in the Olympics. Unlike horse racing or midget tossing, an odds-maker could have a fucking manic field day drawing up high-lows for each day of the games. If I were a betting man—or, if the truth were told, I understood how gambling odds are made—I’d lose a massive bundle every time the games roll around. That seems to be the ticket, anyway: it’s not about winning; it’s about playing.

That sounds an awful lot like the Special Olympics, which in all fairness would be much more entertaining to bet on. At least then you could lose five large and still be able to laugh about it. God, I am an awful bastard for even thinking that.

Anyway, back to those wacky Asians. I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about. I know that China is trying their damndest to join in all of the other reindeer games—like, you know, mattering to the rest of the world—but it makes them all look a bit silly, what with all of this craziness about the Olympics. Even if all of the games get rained/bombed out, they’ll still make a pretty penny—or yen, or whatever the hell they trade for real goods and services—by selling out and over-crowding every goddamned hotel in the country. Here’s what I’d do: hike up the price on every saleable item in China, then shut down all the airspace.

The Government: “Fuck all of those rich Europeans. Let’s gouge the shit out of ‘em!”

The People: “Yeah!”

The Government: “And then we can get back to life as usual!”

The People: “Aw, crap.”